This is an expanded version of the posters pictured below. These speculative sex education materials and others were presented as part of Axe Pulse, Coven Berlin’s contribution to the large group exhibition titled “How (Not) to Fit In – Metaphern der Adoleszenz” at Villa Merkel, Galerie der Stadt Esslingen, in Esslingen, Germany, which ran from May 8 – July 17, 2022.
When considering having a threesome, there are five very important questions you should ask yourself to have the hottest and most fun experience possible for all parties involved.
Why?
The most important question, when deciding to have a threesome—or indeed—, to do anything at all. People have threesomes (and other kinds of sex) for personal, relationship, and social reasons, but above all because it’s fun.
Some reasons might be:
- You want to guest star with (and have a front row seat to the dynamic of) a couple you think are hot
- You like the idea of being overwhelmed by sensation and more connection/ body parts than you’re used to
- You want to feel connected to more than one person or partner at once
- You want to have an experience that your partner isn’t able to provide by themselves
- You want to have a mutual experience with your partner, like a fantasy or roleplay scenario, or co-topping or -bottoming in a BDSM context
- You want to increase connection and mutual experiences between different people in your polycule or other social group
- You’ve been trying to set up a sex or play date with a couple of different people and you’re short on time
- You’re curious and you aren’t getting any younger (truly, aren’t we all)
The ‘Why’ of it all isn’t important because you need a strong reason to do something fun and pleasurable, but because the ‘why’ will inform how you approach the other, more practical questions below. Your ‘why’ is your anchor point that centers your desire and reminds you of the experience you’re trying to achieve.
Who?
Your next task is to identify the person or people you’d like to sleep with. Sometimes this will be obvious; for example, if you’re partnered and you’re looking for a threesome together, or if you’re specifically looking to have sex with others in your polycule. However, if you’re single and trying to build a triad from scratch, or looking for a person or people you haven’t already had sex with, the selection process can feel daunting.
Some factors to consider:
- Desire: Do you think they’re hot? More importantly, do you have chemistry? Have they expressed any interest in you and/or another person you’d like to include?
- Availability: is this person open to having casual sex? If your intended is single or explicitly non-monogamous, this tends to be a lower-stakes question. On the other hand, if you’re approaching someone (or a couple of someones) whose relationship status or agreements you don’t know, it will both clarify the situation for you and avoid ongoing awkwardness to ask explicitly for that info before proposing having a threesome together. If you don’t normally discuss details of your sex lives, bringing up an example from a TV show, celebrity gossip, or other context as the framing for the question (“Did you see the Nat/Gigi/Alice threesome from The L Word: Gen Q? So hot, right? Have you ever done something like that?”) may be helpful here.
- Compatibility: Is this person interested in having the kind of sex you’re interested in? Are they respectful of boundaries? Would you feel comfortable having a potentially difficult conversation with them if something goes wrong, someone gets hurt or someone’s unhappy?
No matter whom you’re approaching in any sexual context or combination, be prepared to gracefully accept being turned down, and consider other appealing backup options in advance. Whether you’re interested in a friend or acquaintance, or a stranger you’ve met on a dating app, the above questions can help you assess their suitability.
What?
Now that you know what’s appealing to you about what you want to do and who you want to do it with, you get to figure out what you’re going to do together. This is where things get fun. You’ve done most of the work, and the play is in sight.
In figuring out what you’d like to do, some starting places might be:
- What activities do you want to do in this specific threesome context? What about your partners?
- Is there anything you or your partners don’t want to do together?
- Have you discussed STI testing and when you were last tested? What kinds of fluid exchange are you comfortable having?
- Will you use barriers (gloves, dental dams, condoms) together? Which?
- Will you or your partners be drinking or using drugs? What is everyone’s comfort level with these behaviors?
The final list may or may not include all of the desires you outlined under “Why”, but that’s often part of the compromise of having a mutual sexual experience; as long as there’s enough there for the experience to feel fulfilling for you, the joy is what you create together.
When + Where?
These final two questions are presented together, since they often have a lot of influence on one another.
A couple tips for choosing the right time and place for you:
- If this is your first group sex experience, you might feel nervous beforehand. Choosing a low pressure, familiar location and time can be helpful, so that you’re able to relax without additional logistical or environmental issues.
- Unless activity under pressure is your thing, choose a time and place you’re not likely to be interrupted, and set up whatever infrastructure you need to make that happen, including finding alternate carers for children and loved ones, blocking time in your work schedule, turning off your phone, and/or whatever else you need to be fully present.
- Try to budget some additional time if possible for you and your partners to transition in and out of the space and dynamic, or to check in afterward, depending on what works for everyone.
- Can one of you host, and are all of you comfortable with that environment? If not, do you have money (separately or together) to spend on a hotel room or other exciting/neutral space? Do any of you have access to a space you can use? Don’t be afraid to get creative. As long as the space is guaranteed to be private to the extent you want and fits everyone’s access needs, many locations without a basic ‘bed in a room’ setup can be sexy and workable. Travel mattresses, camping supplies, pillows, and blankets can all come in handy.
- Does your “What” require a more specific setting to get in the mood? If so, scout it out and figure out a way to get some private time at that location. If you’re considering a place where there’s a chance someone could stumble upon whatever you’re up to, however unlikely, it may be worth involving a 4th or 5th person as lookouts so you (and any random strangers) aren’t surprised. Unless the dynamic of facilitating group sex is specifically hot for them, figure out a way to thank them for their time (cookies, chocolate, or other goodies can be nice places to start).
Well, there you have it! While we haven’t covered every possible scenario, these 5 lovely W’s should get you well on your way to a sexy, consensual, and low-stress time.
Happy triad fucking!
Axe Pulse in “How (Not) to Fit In – Metaphern der Adoleszenz”, Villa Merkel, Galerie der Stadt Esslingen, May 8 – July 17, 2022.
Text and Images by Coven Berlin
Coven Berlin is a queer art collective focused on feminism, love, gender, and sexuality. Founded in 2013, it blossomed when some queers answered a Craigslist ad in 2014. Coven Berlin puts on exhibitions, events, and runs an online magazine and newsletter.
